Monopoly : The Movie

A few months ago Hasbro inked a deal with Universal good for at least four films, one of which will allegedly be based on the board game Monopoly. This makes perfect sense if you think about it: People love the game, so why wouldn’t they love a movie based on the game?

Eureka! You’ve done it again, Hollywood!

Here’s the problem: Aside from Rich Uncle Pennybags and the cop who says “GO TO JAIL,” Monopoly’s entire cast of characters (with the exception of the dog) is a bunch of inanimate pewter objects. How do you make a movie out of that? Will it document the thrilling rise to power of Shoe, whose hotel empire comes to dominate everything from Pentoville Road to Mayfair? Will there be a subplot about Ship and Hat who are down on their luck, squatting in a condemned building on Old Street, where they can see the gleaming jewels of the Community Chest just barely out of arms reach? Maybe they’ll go the serious route and make it a prestige flick about the actual history of Monopoly and Parker Brothers. It could be a gripping cautionary tale of hubris and lost humanity. They could call it There Will Be Board Games.